Stories I only tell my friends: The Power Of Belief-System

July 21, 2012

How to accept yourself

Filed under: Uncategorized — mylittleblackpen @ 5:16 am

One of the hardest things in life to do is trying to accept yourself for who you are. Unfortunately most people don’t get to the accepting themselves stage until they are older. There comes a certain time in your life when you just say ‘I can’t please everybody, so I am going to be myself’ and you accept yourself. It’s a very powerful thing to be able to do this, it’s just a pity we couldn’t do it when we were younger. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, there are a lot of younger people who have accepted themselves and don’t try and please everybody, but for the most part we are trying to gain the acceptance of others in our lives.

Remember the 4th November 2008, Barack Obama became the 44th US President. He won by taking 53% of the overall votes. 53%! that is great however it means that 47% of Americans who voted (all 58 million of them) did not want Barack Obama to win the presidential race. Do you think Obama is sitting in the corner of the Whitehouse berating himself that 58 Million people did not want him to be in the Whitehouse? No, he will get on with the job at hand and in so doing will win over some of the 58 million people by being himself and doing what he thinks is right for his country.

Accepting yourself

It’s all very well saying accept yourself but how do you go about accepting yourself?

You simply tell yourself that life will throw some crap at you and other people will dislike you, simply because they have different ideas from you or are jealous of you, or are envious, or just think or an idiot. Whatever the reason is that someone dislikes you, don’t try and win their vote, move on and strengthen the relationship you have with the people you care about.

If you concentrate on winning the votes of people you don’t like and who don’t like you, you are taking your power and energy away from the people that really matter.

The power of acceptance and honesty

When you are honest with others you will be honest with yourself!

Honesty is very under-rated in our society, it’s very rare you come across someone who is honest with you in a non aggressive way. Whenever someone asks my opinion on something about themselves I always ask if they really want me to be honest. Now that person will always come to me if they want a really honest answer about something but they will stop coming to me if they just want their ego stroked which is what a lot of people are doing when they are saying something like;

‘Do I look fat in this?’

‘Am I going bald?’

‘Am I as good looking as them?’

You know the types of question I mean. The thing is, if you have someone at work who does this all the time and asks you ‘Am I….’ questions and you pander to their ego and tell them what they want to hear they will keep asking you ‘Am I….?’ questions. Now when you interrupt this pattern and say to them ‘do you want the truth?’, this makes them step back and obviously they will say ‘yes!’, tell them the truth in a polite and caring way. Guaranteed they will never come back to you with ‘Am I …..?’ questions, however you will gain their trust and they will come back to you with ‘Can I get you opinion on this….’

By being honest with others you will start to develop honesty with yourself. When you develop honesty with yourself you will develop acceptance of yourself. For example unfit people know they are unfit because they never go to the gym and sit in front of the TV all day munching on a bag of fish and chips with a can of diet coke (that cracks me up!) , but they still have the gall to ask ‘Do you think I need to go to the gym?’ EH! YES YOU DO LARDY!!!!!! That person knows they need to go to the gym but they ask someone else they know will stroke their ego and say ‘No, you don’t need to go to the gym Lardy, you’re bones are just bigger than every else’s’ so Lardy is happy with this and dips the hand back into the fish and chips again. Lardy knows they need to go to the gym and when they realise this they will get up of their lardy bum and just go, no need for stroking of the lardy ego.

So, be honest with yourself.

Some questions to ask yourself:

Do you really like your job? (An energy and soul killer)

Do you really like your friends? (A lot of people say there is nothing they can do about this one, yes there is, drop them!, okay you’ve been friends for a while but if they put you down, make you feel horrible, and drain you energy, drop them).

Do you like your body? (The easiest thing in the world to change)

Do you like your personality? (If you met yourself on a night out would you like yourself?)

By being honest with yourself you will eventually gain acceptance of yourself and believe me when I say that your life will become much easier and you will enjoy it a hell of a lot more.

How to Accept Yourself, Your Life, and Your Reality

Learn to accept who you are. It’s one of the hardest things to follow through on, but it’s definitely most rewarding. It’s so easy to look in the mirror and point out most of your insecurities. But, instead of counting all the things you wish you could be, try counting all the things that you are thankful for that bring out your natural beauty. Understand everyone has beauty, whether it be their eyes, their plumped lips, or their rosy cheeks. Make a list of all of these things, and hang it up somewhere by a mirror, and before you leave, look in the mirror and tell yourself you look good. Remember that it’s your own opinion that really counts.

Realize your imperfections and then let go. Are you too bossy? Are you too critical of yourself? You’re lazy, right? You don’t have a lot of friends because you are shy? This could go on and on, but the point is is that you need to find out what you aren’t so good at, maybe what you don’t have, and then let go of it. This is one of the most key steps to accept who you are.

Be honest with yourself. This is one of the hardest things for many of us to do. In many of today’s societies that focus on the individual, we are encouraged to strive for success, and often we look for praise as the acknowledgment of that success. We take any criticism as a negative thing, so we shy away from seeing anything about ourselves that elicits that reaction.

Remember that you can’t fix it until you can admit there is a problem.

Recognize ineffective coping mechanisms. If you are experiencing any of the feelings described in the introduction, odds are that what you are doing to cope with the problems in life are not working. These things may have worked in the past, and are so ingrained that you don’t even realize you do them.

Replace the old methods you used to deal with situations and problems with ones that will deliver or elicit positive responses and solutions. Changing old behaviors can be just as difficult as recognizing them because it takes time and determination to replace old habits and behaviors, but the payoff is worth it.

Make a short list. Once you have accepted yourself, with all your imperfections, you can change some things about yourself. Write out a list about what you want to achieve, what you can achieve, and how you will achieve it. Although, understand that no one is perfect, and sometimes you just can’t change who you are.

Don’t try to alter several things at once, this is a recipe for failure. Once you have your list, prioritize it. Decide what you need to work on in order of importance. Often changing one thing will cause other things to fall in line, like knocking over dominoes.

Avoid the common “Do-overs” It’s your life and your reality. What happened in the past, happened in the past. You just can’t change history. So avoid doing it over again because you feel like it’s “in your comfort zone” and “you’ve been through it once, why not one more time?” type of excuse.

Learn that life is the way it is. You can only make it hard if your attitudes about life are pointed that way. You can’t change who you really are either. Just be the best you can be, and live life with pride.

3 Causes for Judging People (and How to Accept Yourself)

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” ~Pema Chodron

Every person you meet has something special to give you—that is, if you are open to receiving it.

Each encounter offers you the gift of greater self-awareness by illustrating what you do and don’t accept about yourself. An honest look will show you that the reactions you have to others give you more information about yourself than about them.

You can never know for sure what motivates other people. But you can learn what you are accepting or judging in yourself.

For instance, if someone makes a remark about you and it’s something you also judge in yourself, it will most likely hurt. However if they make the same remark and you don’t have that judgment about yourself, it probably won’t bother you at all.

I once visited a new friend’s house and everyone in the family was shorter than me. Since I’m the shortest person in my family, I never felt too tall.

When my friend’s mother met me at the door and said with a slightly disappointed tone, “Oh, you are so tall,” it didn’t affect me. I was aware that she had some discomfort with my height, but I didn’t take it personally.

However, had she been tall and said, “Oh, you are so short,” it probably would have pushed my buttons, since I do feel somewhat short.

This point is valid for almost any interaction imaginable: Reactions always have to do with our own self-judgments and feelings of inadequacy or strength, not the other person.

Most judgments of others stem from one of three basic causes:

1. You wouldn’t tolerate the same behavior or characteristic in yourself.

For instance, you might be shy and encounter a very gregarious person. Your judgment might go something like this: What a show-off. They are so loud and obnoxious. Because you would be embarrassed to act this way, you resent somebody else doing it.

This type of judgment might reveal that you are not fully expressing yourself, hence you feel resentful or put off by others doing so, even if they do it clumsily.

Becoming aware of the truth of this reaction and working on expressing yourself more fully and authentically would result in a valuable gift of freer self-expression.

2. You display the same behavior and aren’t aware of it so you project your disowned behavior onto others and dislike it “out there.”

Everyone has encountered the second cause at some point. Someone is complaining about a friend or acquaintance and you think to yourself, “That’s funny, they do the same thing they are finding wrong!”

Taking an honest look within to see if you share some of the characteristics you dislike in others. You may be surprise to learn that you do, and it is likely to offer insight into gaining greater self-acceptance and compassion for others.

3. You are envious and resent the feelings that come up so you find something wrong with those who have what you want and end up judging them.

Someone who has attained recognition may remind you of your own lack of success in this area. You may resent their higher degree of accomplishment and then find something wrong with them in order to avoid your own feelings of inadequacy.

Since inspiration is a much more effective motivator than competition, you’d be more likely to experience success if you got inspired by other people’s victories instead of wasting time finding fault with them.

Most judgments of others are ego strategies to avoid uncomfortable feelings. However, if you lack the awareness of where they come from, they can lead to even more discomfort down the line.

Becoming aware of the nature of your judgments doesn’t mean that you no longer have preferences. You may still notice that certain types of behavior seem unappealing.

But with right understanding and a little work, discernment rather than judgment kicks in and causes you to feel compassion for others, even if you’re not enthusiastic about their behavior.

At the very least, you’ll feel neutral.

Discernment is awareness and understanding without an emotional response. Exercising discernment feels very different from getting your buttons pushed. Judgments that cause emotional reactions are clues to help you find personal insight.

When you explore beliefs and assumptions instead of judging people, you open a door to expanded self-awareness and self-acceptance.

Rather than unconsciously delighting in the ego gratification of judging others, you let your reactions and judgments help you achieve greater self-understanding—and accordingly, greater happiness and success.

When you use your judgment of others as a mirror to show you the workings of your own mind, every person’s reflection can become a valuable gift, making each person you encounter a teacher and a blessing.

If You Have Trouble Loving Yourself

Know this:

Love is action.

Self-love is not how you feel about yourself. It’s what you do for yourself. You can only love yourself by doing, not thinking. Execute feats of love, feats of respect, for your own benefit.

First of all, worship your body. There is nothing on this earth you will ever do that does not require its cooperation.  Be nice to it. Get it into great shape. Don’t poison it, don’t abuse it, don’t neglect it. An unwillingness to worship your body will undermine any attempt to love yourself. Love it with your actions, or it won’t love you back. If you are rude to it, it will hinder you, embarrass you, and even kill you.

Learn. Endow yourself with skills, languages, abilities and arts. Developing skills is the most immediate and liberating way to shoot your self-esteem through the roof. What qualities would make you love or admire someone else? Kindness, humor, thoughtfulness, ability? Cultivate and improve those qualities.

A lot of people seem to think indulging or gratifying yourself is the same as loving yourself. Magazines and commercials say “Love yourself,” or “You’re worth it,” and then tell you to buy something or eat chocolate cake. Finding some reward and indulging in it is not love. Often it’s just abuse. Comforting yourself is not loving yourself. Beware the draw of comfort; seeking comfort is often a response to fear, not love. Don’t appease yourself, revere yourself.

Do work you love. Even if you make less money. Even if you disappoint others. Working a job for which you have no passion is betraying yourself, for eight hours a day. Nobody can love themselves while they subject themselves to forty hours of uninspiring work every week. If it isn’t practical to leave your current line of work just yet, start planning your escape now. That’s love. Do not resign a third of your life to someone else’s purpose. Dignity is worth any pay cut. If you don’t like your job, you are only getting better at being resentful.

The Respect Habit

The quality of your actions matters. Do everything with care. Pick up and put down objects as if you respect them. Don’t just drop yourself into a seat, sit down with purpose. Respect everything you buy, borrow, give away or dispose of.

Respect your time. Spend your time on things that put you into a better situation in life, on things that make you more capable, rather than on things that make you feel good for the moment. You will love yourself for doing this.

Respect other people.

Respect their skills and their virtues. Their flaws too. Respect their thoughts. Let them finish what they are saying, don’t interrupt, don’t be dismissive. Try to understand what they’re getting at. Let them be who they are. I am convinced that people are exactly as judgmental about themselves as they are about others. Find the value in others, or you will never see it in yourself. Forget the ways in which you would like other people to be different. Forgive them, and forgive yourself. Forgive yourself every time you wake up, and every time you go to bed. Forgive yourself every time you screw up.

Respect the world around you. The spectacles, the scenes, the details. Respect buildings and the people who built them. Respect businesses and the people who run them. Respect the trees. Respect the tiny, yellow-flowered weed that vehemently persists in thrusting itself up through the cracks in the sidewalk. It invests all its energy in growing, and it absolutely insists on being itself.

Love is picking up the dumbells the moment you start making excuses. Love is doing your scariest task first thing in the morning.

It’s not quitting early and treating yourself to a beer.  It’s not telling yourself it’s okay for your apartment to be a pigsty.

There is a choice in every moment, between acting out of love, or out of fear.  At any instant, you can stop and look at the moment, and it is clear which action is which.  You will make a habit out of choosing one or the other.

You won’t be able to have respect if you do not make a habit of recognizing value.  There is value in every person, object, place and moment, but you may miss it if you hold faults to be more important.

Find the endless value in the world around you, and it will be easy to find the endless value in yourself. Eventually you will no longer see a difference between the two.

Never Forget Your Rights

You have the right to a purpose. If you do not have a purpose, one will be appointed for you.

Nobody lives without a purpose for long.

The institutions of work, society, and commerce will readily provide a purpose, in their own interests, to all those who have not identified purposes of their own.

Your purpose is the collection of values for which your life will be lived. They may or may not be your own values.

If you have not consciously identified your purpose, be assured that you have been serving somebody else’s purpose.

You can invoke your right to a purpose at any time.

You have the right to be free.

But a right is not a given. It cannot be relied on to arrive on its own.

Freedom is never an accident. It is never stumbled upon haphazardly or granted by external forces.

It is cultivated, with purpose and action.

Freedom never comes to those who don’t understand what is keeping them from being free.

Freedom is undefinable, but it is also unmistakable. If you do not feel free, you are not free.

But it is always your right to be free. You will be free when you truly understand why you haven’t been.

A Little Black Pen


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